When a friend snubs you
Yeah, Benny will be up for a bit of a catch up. A bit of a chinwag. A bit of a laugh, and a chat, and maybe a few tears, maybe not. Really depends on the mood. That’s the beauty of a good old catch-up with Benny. You never know what you are going to get. It’s like a combination of Springsteen’s ‘Born To Run’ thrown into some New Order ‘Blue Monday’ and a bit of like, Harry Nillson’s ‘Everybody’s Talkin’’ because you know, everybody needs a bit of H-Nil…son. That’s a good bit, chuck it in the list. Oh fuck, BRAINEY, FOR THE LAST TIME, CATCH UPS WITH MEN DO NOT EQUATE TO A NEED TO LIST CONVERSATIONAL TOPICS ON YOUR HAND IF THINGS GET AWKWARD… This is not a fucking date, god damn it. I’m working with amateurs here. Back on the Springsteen topic.. wait, no, later, later. Anyway, you’re just standing there man, call him. Get things ‘appening! Start with something like, my dawg! Is that lame? Nah, nah, nah, that’s totally epic. Use the word epic too, people like words like that. Aiight, aiight – use that too… shut up. Ohhhh, it’s ringing. You beaaaaauty, Benny-BOY!!! MY DAWG! Ah, he didn’t respond well to that. Shit. Don’t panic, he’s your friend and he’ll get it. He’ll get your zone, like Kanye West and Jay-Z kickin’ it together at Po Boy or maybe, I don’t know, KFC? Is that still a thing? Maybe just a pub, for a beer, because beer is good and you like it a lot. Like, a lot. To the point of being cool but still not becoming a problem for your health and wellbeing. Ah. Okay. Yes. Yes. Fair enough. Ohhhh, hahaha, very true Benny, very true. Okay. Yep. Yep. Great. Great. See you soon my da… my man… Alrighty… Yeah. Hmmmmm. That’s… That’s… He’s busy today, and tomorrow, and the rest of the week. That’s fine, I’ll just have to get back into the gym, or head down to the beach, maybe do some writing at a café by myself to look interesting. My fucking god I am lonely. Stop the tears man, it’s nothing personal. You’re good friends, it’s just that he’s just busy with work and having a girlfriend and having a life that appears to be on track. Ah dude, stop the tears please, you are denting me. Like, significantly. You’re at the supermarket for fuck’s sake. Now the checkout lady is looking at you like your mother used to look at you when you shat your pants. He’s going to get back to you with another time, it’s okay. I can’t physically comfort you, but mentally I am here for you. You can talk to me. Nooooo! Not out loud. Fuck, you are stupid. No, you’re not… It’s a figure of speech. Anyway, get yourself some Maggi Two Minute Noodles and head home to the couch. Good boy. Argh… Okay, okay, I love you too.
Attempting to attract a female when at a bar or club
COLOGNE IS ON, you smell so good. Like flowers mixed with garlic mushrooms, but like a subtle garlic mushroom. With just enough kick. Fuck. YES. We are out on the town, a few buddies in tow, some solid tracks playing… Wait, no, it’s Pitbull. Where the fuck are we? Wait a second. This place fucking sucks.
OH YEAH! This is more like it. A bar, some seats – always important – the D-FLOOR that I am going to carve up later… and, there is a bathroom, which is fantastic. And an emergency exit if that D-Floor starts smoking up after I crank out a few sprinklers… which would be ironic of course, but that’s neither here, not there. Matty’s round! Ay, ay! Don’t say that again. Please, just stick to the script and talk about… I don’t know, whatever the fuck you idiots talk about. Yes, good, the plight of the refugees, what a light way to start off the proceedings… You fucking idiot. Cricket. Yes, better, easier, less divisive with your friends, some of whom you know you have absolutely nothing in common with. Fuck it. Just act cool. Or you know, just keep calm and carry on, stop worrying about the ocean lapping at your door and think about conversations in cars with coffee. Haha, Jerry Seinfeld, that’s your next topic. Hello. I mean, HELLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLO. Floral dress. Light, comfortable jacket – I mean, it looks comfortable. I don’t really know women’s clothing – do you, Brainey? A blazer? Yeah, I suppose. Blue and white blazer. Makes sense. She’s a woman, that’s a really good start. What do you say to women again? Fuck. Now… Well. I… I suppose you tell her things… about yourself. Like, what you like. What makes you, you. How it is we came to be as a human race and what it will come to when it all ends. Maybe not that. I don’t know, they’re so mysterious. Find yourself, rise above, be the bigger man… Show her your stamp collection! Alright, I need a towel, I’m sweating through. I get it Brainey, I’m the one who has to push him into action, and I’m trying! But she’s so… she’s so…. SHE’S SO HIIIIIIIIIIII-EEEEE-IIIIIIIIGHHHH, HIGH ABOVE ME, SHE’S SO LOVELY. Alright, he looks like he’s settling in for a nice chat and he’s said hello and now he’s asking her about her life and she’s responding and I’m feeling some air in my tyres and she’s responding and he’s asking questions and she’s responding and he’s asking questions and she’s… losing interest, and he’s asking questions… and she’s getting up to head to the bar and we’re asking questions and she’s grabbing her friends and we’re asking questions and she’s walking out the door into the cool air and we’re asking questions and she’s hailing a cab and we’re asking questions and she’s heading back to the shitty club we came from and we’re asking questions and… Fuck. Not again…
So fellas, how about that cricket, ay?
With a lady in the bedroom
Wow. Wowwee. This is something. Shirt is off. Woman is standing half naked in front of me. She’s got breasts underneath her shirt! Oh boy! And she’s looking at you like she may let you have sex with her! This is really quite something. Mate, feel at your underwear but don’t take anything off, it will be totally sexy and I’ll get off my chain a little. Oh yeaaaaaah, working that soft belly and pubic hair, you are dynamite! I tell you what, I’m getting pretty puffed up. I mean, I am on fire. We are the dynamic duo, the unstoppable force, the lady-killers… without literally killing ladies, because that would be both illegal and immoral. It’s a spectacular night. After all the drama of asking her back and then opening the front door with that tricky key and grabbing her a glass of water and then y’know brushing your teeth before bed because you want your teeth to be nice and fresh and your breath to not smell like garlic sauce… here we are. No, don’t… don’t… you can’t rush into these rash moves without consulting me. Strumming your… oh my, put it back in. Please. For Christ’s sake, you are worse than… It doesn’t matter, it doesn’t matter. Alright, yes, good move – the seductive playlist. D’Angelo. Excellent. A bit slow and tender for this scenario, but I like the way you are thinking. I just don’t want you crying like last time. Don’t pretend you don’t remember, mate. You can fool her but you can’t fool me. Tell her she looks beautiful. And sexy. And no, don’t… You can’t say that and think she’s not going to laugh. ‘You look sexy and I would like to have sex with you’? Did you think that would ever not sound funny? She hasn’t left the house yet so it’s still a success story. Okay. My goggles are fogging up. A woman is naked in your household; I repeat a woman is naked in your household. Gee willikers, we bloody did it! I’m about to burst with pride, I’m about to burst with IMMENSE BLOODY PRIDE! I am complete, I have made my mark, I AM HISTORY’S KEEPER! She’s softly stroking us, kissing our neck, so much touch… My… that feels… really quite… really something, isn’t it? I mean. Breathe. Wowwee… Breathe please. Deep breath. No, not like this. Think about your grandmother, think about sushi, think about… THINK ABOUT FUCKING ANYTHING. I’m being swallowed up here, DO IT NOW!!! Abort mission Brainey, abort mission! What do you mean we are in too fucking deep?! We can escape, we can bloody escape now! We can… what have I done to deserve this shit; I’m an ego, not a bloody counsellor for a man who can’t contain his excitement. She’s fallen silent. We’ve fallen silent. D’Angelo croons ‘Feel like makin’ dreams come true.’ But you didn’t mate, you just couldn’t pull through. American Pie 2.0 – and not like the time we were at college – this time it is just a big hot fucking failure.
In a hostel common room
Have you told them you love beer? Six times? Alright. Good. Just don’t want to be outcast to the nerd area where all the other nerds are. Hope they don’t see through your façade because these guys look like legends. Yep, laugh at their gag that denigrates women but then smile awkwardly at the two girls who are sitting next to them. That’ll soften the blow. I mean, you can crack a joke yourself. But, it’s risky. You are potentially blowing your cover. BLOWING IT ALL UP ME NOSE! Nah, bad joke – drug jokes aren’t funny unless you are high yourself and the fact that you wouldn’t have the first clue about that whole game… Just stick to beer. Deary me, red alert. Geez, she is so gorgeous. And she is reading a book… by herself. Tell the fellas, point her out first, point her out first! Hashtag dibs, yoooo! Ah, too slow. Fuck that guy. Who does he think he is anyway. Approaching her and talking to her like she is a piece of meat. Blokes are such dickheads. I think you are adapting pretty well man, they’re getting you. You know, a little bit of a dork but enough of a beer legend to get by. You can safely take on your role as the hostel clow… wait a second. Who is this character. Making jokes about beer. Wears glasses. Is lanky. Non-threatening to women. Kind of charming in a Jim Carrey-Hugh Grant sort of way… ACCENT! This is an absolute disaster. He’s stolen your bit. How dare he steal your bit. And now he’s waltzing over to the girl with the book. And he’s made her laugh!! What do we do? What do we fucking do? Drink another beer? No. That will be an archaic, underwhelming move to make. I know, head up to your dorm, grab a bigger book, a glass of brandy, a hat your Grandpa would have been proud of and some boat shoes. Brilliant! How can you beat the best? You can’t. You just bloody can’t. I know, I know, the fellas are about to play Kings and get blind before the pub crawl – (the blind leading the blind…. HAHA! Save that one for later) but this is time for action. You could potentially hook up with the woman of your dreams right now, or you could be lonely. Lonely for all eternity. What’s it gonna be big shot? You can gonna hold or fold ‘em? Ah, Kings does look like an easy option. And they’re playing with a novelty set of cards! I love it, these guys are bloody on point. Don’t say that line. You know what? Ask her to come play Kings but from the other side of the room and in a leering, adulterous kind of tone that she will understand as a ‘come-on’. Yeah! Oh yeah! She’s… she’s not impressed. And she’s heading back to her room. And the British guy is looking at you like you’re nothing more than a pig. But the other fellas are having a good old laugh. I suppose this begs the question Brainey, what’s more important? Social acceptance or being yourself? Ah, shut up mate, what do you know? AYYYY! ANOTHER KING!!! DRINK YOUR BEER, LEGENDS!!! Keep shouting, you’ll hide your internal longing for affection.