When you know you just really know. I think that’s the only way you can describe when you have an almost irrational infatuation with someone you do not even know intimately enough to call them a friend. It’s one of the challenges of society when someone simply cannot accept your love and make it a mutual scenario. In love with another or still with another are basically the blockages that prevent anything further happening when it is legitimately on the cards. Or it’s the ‘I am not ready’, ‘you’re a good friend but…’ and the classic ‘it’s not you, it’s… me’. All these examples are those unfortunate times when even persistence will not lead you toward the thing that your heart is screaming for.
However the boyfriend/girlfriend scenario leaves that door frustratingly ajar. You would almost prefer the other option just for some ‘closure’. Closure. What a horrible world. When has finding closure ever resulted in anything positive? It’s always just a field of flowers with a roof on top. What’s the point of knowing that there is something beautiful in your midst if it can never reach its full potential? Nonetheless, your heart keeps hitting those notes that keep you lifting your head to the clouds in anticipation. Pull back! Save yourself the pain of the unenviable wait, my friend!!!!
But alas, I can’t. I cannot pull away from those moments of promise when you she looks my way and smiles, if only innocuously, momentarily… Platonically… Platonic. Another devastating word when you just want to be her Copernicus.
It’s not wrong to be infatuated with someone, even if it is irrational, but it’s a sin to force it if he or she is still with another. To keep calling, to keep confusing fate, to keep playing with hearts. Sure, it can be done but you are building a castle on a sandy foundation even if things begin to fall your way. Let fate play its part. Maybe it will work. Maybe it just won’t and you’ll have to accept one of life’s inevitabilities. You can’t always get what you want, or perhaps more aptly, I can’t make you love me if you don’t.
I’m on the other side of the world, with that delicious concept of spontaneity at my very fingertips and yet I keep dreaming of her. Dreaming of Jeannie. Dreaming of changing fate. Running through fields of daisies and waking up to them wilting by my bed…
It’s nice to feel something real again even if it is a mere impossibility.