Imagine we lived in a time where the only way to meet new people was to create an online dating profile to facilitate relations between two people depending on your preferences. I know how successful Grindr is but there is something a little odd about internet dating for heterosexuals under the age of 30. What if the younger generations didn’t have their slimy nightclubs to drunkenly slobber over another half-baked or half-cooked individual? What if online dating was the only way to facilitate meetings? I mean, it isn’t that much of a stretch is it? Whether we like it or not, your ugly friends are probably going to find love online, and I mean that in the sincere way possible. I’m kidding, the internet is for everyone. The poor, the rich, the young and the beautiful, the old and the depraved and certainly just the depraved in general. And as it continues to thrive we are faced with a future that is dominated by technological connection that erodes our ability to make spontaneous and genuine connections with beautiful strangers in the middle of winter. But it makes casual sex effortless and gives creepy men a chance to parade around as a gentleman in the mold of Woodrow Wilson (cue Simpsons reference for perfect example of well utilised identity theft)
Identity theft is a decidedly common past time in our rapidly modernising international community. However most people do not commit such a crime when it comes to internet dating… they simply stretch the truth to different extents. Like if I claimed I was 6 foot 4 and 85 kilograms of lean muscle. It’s nearly true, I am rather tall and an absolute specimen when it comes to my muscle to man ratio. Alright, I am now stretching the truth when it comes to an anonymous internet blog on the off chance that a few sassy young ladies are wanting to get jiggy with it. I mean, getting jiggy with it kind of sums up the reason that people do turn to internet dating. If you are unaware what ‘jiggy’ is and why you should get with it, see exhibit A below:
Anyway, the original point of this post was to conceptualise a future where human dating was only facilitated through the medium of technology. Some people would want to stand out so they could become the alpha dawg on the ‘net whilst others would be niche users who only look for those who are into a very committed friendship with minimal physical contact, or those who enjoy hand jobs administered via feet or even those who are purely on the look out for sex in exotic places such as disabled toilets or the backseat of vintage cars. You know, the completely normal requests of sex crazed individuals. So suppose we all had to make a profile as dating any other way was seen as faux pas and present ourselves in whatever way we see fit in order to draw a certain reaction. It would be a scream. I mean, you only have to look at a few dating websites to appreciate how people approach dating in such unbelievably varied ways. Some are… rather blunt.
Others are more… conservative… and unusual.
But there is no hate here. In fact I respect that these people have either trolled the shit out of the internet society or are genuinely honest about who they are. Some may say a little too honest but fuck, if you want to dress up like a sissy baby girl then go your hardest.
Anyway. Here we are, the 21st century. The new movement. An exaggeration or honest to God truth?
It’s just a number, relax Max… Anyone who uses the phrase Relax Max is clearly either over 50 or an absolute square. Guess which one I am!
Thy kingdom come, I will be done on earth as it is in heaven… Take that as you will, I’m a sin just waiting to happen.
What about me?
I don’t want to be a walking cliche but I am partial to an enjoyable time where we eat dinner, watch the sunset, walk along the beach, laugh at my jokes, listen to a bit of, how may I say, jazz music and end with a red wine by my fireplace. If this doesn’t appeal to you then maybe you’re just not worthy of my love! Oh wow, tough crowd. I like to play monopoly and sing karaoke. Other activities I enjoy include performing dramatic monologues into a mirror, fishing… for compliments, purchasing ironic hipster sweaters and buying books that I’ll never read. It’s all about the reaction ladies and gentlemen. Although, I’m not homophobic, very open-minded and am not against a casual cuddle with a bloke but yeah, probably would prefer to keep it hetero. Y’know, I don’t mind a good friendship though so if you are a fella who enjoys a laugh and a cheeky frothy, give us a bell and we can talk to sheilas who are sitting alone at cafes.
Height: 188 when talking to females, 196 (ruckman) when talking to blokes.
Interests: (Insert deep and meaningful activities that are good for the soul… Remember to come back and edit this later)
Body type: Chunk steak with a side of beans.
Relationship status: A trail of broken hearts follow me everywhere. Mend me. (Very single)
Location: Wherever there are friends to be made. I live in a caravan park so new friends come along all the time for a beer and a yarn.
Have children?: Possibly. I donate sperm and I’m extremely fertile and kids are our future so doing the world a favour. That was a joke that I inserted on this profile to make me seem more down to earth and witty than I actually am. I got it from the interweb. That’s another joke to follow it up. Answer? I don’t think I have children. But I’m not entirely sure.
What do I want in a woman?
I’m pretty easy going. A solid conversationalist, intelligent, witty and probably a 9 out of 10 in the looks department. If I had to pick one, it would probably be the latter. So even if you are as boring as a rigor mortis corpse and as a dumb as a bloody doorknob, I’m probably still up for it if you are attractive. No, I’m not shallow, just picky. In an extremely shallow way. Call me shallow but I don’t do charity cases. However, occasionally I will invest in talent that is a little raw and in need of improvements. Meaning that I am searching for a woman who is willing to be quantified and examined. I am a teacher of life and you will be my student. Similar to the Robin Williams/Matt Damon dynamic in Good Will Hunting but with less talk about our problems and more talk about expensive dinners where we both pay half. Yeah, I suppose you can call me the neo-gentleman. So I want meself a 1950s house wife with a 21st century knowledge of food preparation. Look, the entire spiel you just read is a fabrication. I want a woman who has a mind of her own and is not trapped in a patriarchal backward world where lasagna is on the menu every Tuesday night. I do like lasagna though. But we can make it together.
Someone who isn’t quite like any one else meaning that they are preferably not overly human in their general outlook. Meaning I don’t like people who are too people-y. That type of person creeps me out. With all their talk about people and their habits. Yeah.
Hot. Preferably. That’s a joke. Again, I support the rights of women and would not justify a relationship purely on her scent and cup size. Of course if she did have an appropriate scent and cup size, I would be inclined to consider her as an option. You could be that girl on the shortlist. Being on a shortlist is great because it isn’t a long list per se and sometimes I get bored reading long documents. I wouldn’t get bored reading you if you are on my shortlist. Oh yeah… Tobacco? More like Tobacc-no!
Alcoholic. I like them vulnerable.
Preferably unattached. I mean, kids are great but they kind of smell funny and eat a lot. I am a child myself (not in a literal sense, I’m definitely of age and have gone through the natural transition period of hairless to hair-on-my-balls so rest easy sailor.) I enjoy macaroni cheese so if you do have kids we can cook that together and bond.
No preference just as previously discussed. Stop judging me and my comments.
A good love-making playlist is a must. Vinyl collection is a positive.
Three months later.
Date offers: Three from men wanting to catch up and have a beer, one from an elderly lady named Agnes. We’re catching up tomorrow.
Please don’t contact me asking for a date. This is neither a legitimate profile nor a desperate cry for attention. Unless you are willing to use your feet for… things.